Mum was never bi as far as I know. She accepted the fact of my being attracted to girls, but I don’t think she was ever-able back then to see it as a permanent way to be, and I know she always hoped that I’d eventually turn into being straight. She talked with me a lot about sex and sexuality, but she never mentioned ever having had or wanted to have sex with girls. She wanted me to have an enjoyable sex life – bought me my first vibrator, “fixed me up” with my first boyfriend - and I did try. Partly I suppose because I loved her and wanted to please her and Dad.” “Didn’t you actually enjoy sex with boys at all?” “Oh, sometimes I did quite enjoy it, when a guy knew what he was doing, or when it was with someone I liked a lot. But even the most pleasurable sex with guys left me feeling somehow unsatisfied, as if there was something missing. Look what I did to poor old Dan; wore him out trying to get at whatever that something was. It wasn’t until I met Pilar that I found it. You must. .."The voice went on as I gained control of my breathing, felt the panickedshaking subside, my pounding heartbeat slow. And that's when I felt it,or rather the absence of it.Pain. The ache of it constantly radiating from my bones, peppered withsharp lines of fire when I moved or was jostled, the sharp claws thatdug into my ribs when I took in more than a shallow breath, my ever-worsening companion for the past few years of my life.It was gone.Not gone into the hazed numbness of narcotics, but truly gone. Itrembled with the feeling of it...I could breathe! I opened my eyes, amoment of dizzying blur before things snapped into focus. Clear, crispfocus.She was beautiful. Cute, not just cute but sensual, a face full ofyouthful energy, blue eyes sparkling even in the subdued light ofwherever we were. Her lips were moving, but I was so distracted by themthat I couldn't make sense of what she was saying.Those lips. So soft. Oh God I wanted to kiss them, wanted so badly forher to kiss me. I.
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